The Turtles Mass

THE TURTLES MASS

A Musical Enlightenment

with

Songs, Choruses, Saws,

Dithyrambs and Ditties
for turtles and holey waiters

by

Peter Agnos

Assists from Gabrielli, Mother Goose, Bach,

Shakespeare, Beethoven, Issa, Smart, Einstein, Leviticus,
Pascal, Samuel Johnson, Ogden Nash, James Joyce,
The Koran, Leadbelly, and others

CONTENTS

  1. Introit et Credo-

Beginnings and Beliefs  p.3
II. Gloria et Amici-

Gloria and Friends  p.11
III. Maria et Bambinos-
Mary and the Kids  p.18

© 2013  Green Eagle Press
Box 20329   NNY  10025

Contact: Tel:  212-663-2167
mail@greeneagle.org
www.greeneagle.org

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THE TURTLES MASS

  1. INTROIT ET CREDO – Beginnings and Beliefs

1.1  Orchestral introduction incorporating themes from Holiday
Today, Oh What A Foolish World, Time Enough and the Sailor on the Beach.

#

1.2

(B. Spoken)

In the beginning was the word,

and the word was:   “evolve”

Change and grow, change or die;

From day to day we ripen:
from day to day we rot.

Along with the universe we evolve from an uncertain start

to an unknown end.

…And yet, and yet…

(T. Song)

Sometimes I don’t care My lord if you’re there,
really there,

Oh lord shed a tear,

Tell me, what should I wear?

(B. Spoken)

Why oh why should I wear a hat?
Or not wear  a hat?

Should I tattoo my left knee?
Why a hat, oh lord, why me?
#
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 (B.)

Our Universe exploded into existence

thirteen billion years ago, give-or-take a billion; and it has been expanding ever since.

Our solar system, condensed from super nova trash,  formed 5 billion years ago.

Planets congealed, and emerged planet Earth.

On it a single-celled organism bearing an ingenious molecule called
DNA. DNA could give birth to things similar to itself, and it
could change and evolve due to natural causes. This changeability
gave rise to more complicated creatures, one of which was
humankind.

We owe our existence, assuming we exist, to the Big Bang
and to Mother Nature who has given us a little planet with
air, water, soil and sun. Thank you universe.

(Song)  When drinking my beer—
Oh lord, speak; please speak out clear.

Oh  lord send us a cheer,

Oh lord are you there

really, really there?
#

1.4 (Chant in Dorian Mode with hand movements)
Holiday Today, Today Is Holiday

Holiday today, today is holiday.
Holiday today, holiday today,

Today is holiday!        ( 2x)

#

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1.5    (Baritone and Soprano intone)

(B.)  From bathtub to bathtub

(S.)  All is codfish and applesauce; (B.)   And yet,

(S.)    and yet

(B. & S.)   and yet…
#

1.6    TIME ENOUGH

(T.) There’ll be time enough to sleep
when we are dead,

And long leisure then

to rest our head,

But now what good’s a life

hedged in by childish fears

And fantasies that haunt a sleepless bed?

We have missed too much

of living up to now

But look blossoms are

blooming on the bough—

Let us enjoy this trifle while we can
Before our rotting bodies lie below.

Now come taste with me

the ting-a-ling of life

Though it bring us hardship,
pain, and strife;

If we’re to make the most

of what life has to give,

We must take this comedy as wife.
#

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1.7    AS I WALKED  (Song)

(B.)  As I walked with myself,
I talked with myself,

And myself said unto me:

-Look after yourself,

take care of yourself,

-For otherwise you shall see

-That  no one will care for thee,
No one will care for thee.

As I walked by myself,

along the sea shore
I talked with myself,
above  the sea’s roar, And myself said unto me:

-Watch out for yourself,

-Take care of yourself,

For if you do not, No one else is free, No one will care for thee.

As I watched the sun set,
a guru I met

Throwing bowls on the beach grass. When I asked: “Can I play?”
He snarled: “Go away!

Or I’ll kick  your tight little ass,
I’ll kick your tight little ass…”

As I walked with myself,

I talked with myself, And myself said unto me:

-Look after yourself,

Take care of yourself,

-For otherwise you shall see

-That  no one will care for thee,
No one will care for thee.

#

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1.8    EXPECTO NON RESURECTUM

MORTUORIUM (Chant)

(B.) Do not expect the dead to rise
From where shadows hide. Since life on earth began
None have phoned

from the other side.

Death and taxes?  (2x)

alas, they will hit. (2x)
Life after death?  (2x)
Don’t bet on it.  (2x)

But in Paradise Land where all the dead are living

I’m sure we’ll meet our friends there in Paradise Land

#

1.9

(T. Song)

Do not leave me at this messy desk

covered with fool scraps and pencil stubs, in a dark corner of a grungy flat

with torn window shades, in a clamorous city

spawned by greed,
in a crazed country
confused by pride,
on a doom-bound
crowded planet
somewhere or nowhere

adrift in this comic mix.
Would a kindly god
leave a guy in such a fix?

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1.10  CREDO – I BELIEVE IN ONE

(Alternate voices for each verse. All join together for chorus)

Hail the great measureless god:

COTU – The Creator Of The Universe, COTU – the abandoner,

COTU –  the hit-and-run driver.

(Ch.)

Alleluia. alleluia…

Alleluia. ah lay loo

I believe

COTU watches the big football game from the sidelines-

Sometimes he cheers for our side; Some say he would make
a great coach,

Or at least a fair referee. Some say otherwise.

(Ch.)

Alleluia. alleluia…

Alleluia. ah lay loo

Some swear COTU loves them,

climbs into their beds at night,

keeps them warm and comfy. Some say COTU gives them
sound financial advice,
Some say otherwise.

(Ch.)

Alleluia. alleluia…

Alleluia. ah lay loo

I believe  in the great maker of nought,
Who divided nineteen by nothing,

Multiplied seven by infinity; And leaves each player on his own
to plumb the rules of the game; If there are any rules—

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To each COTU gives fuzzy directions
For finding the path through the maze.

I believe in COTU, the great joker
who maketh me laugh.

Smiles maketh life tolerable:

I smile and give thanks!!!

(Ch.) Alleluia. alleluia…

Alleluia. ah lay loo

#

1.11  (B-spoken)

Tomorrow and tomorrow, and  tomorrow

Creeps in this petty pace from day to day, To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all  our yesterdays have lighted fools
the way to dusty death.

Out, out brief candle!

Life’s but a walking shadow,
a poor player

That struts and frets

his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more:
it is a tale

Told by an idiot – full of sound and fury,
signifying nothing.

#

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1.12

(B.) This world of ours is a drop of dew,
(S.) a whirl of mist…

(A.) And yet,

(S.)  and yet,

(B.) …and yet.

1.13

(T.) Who can know another’s soul?

Who can feel his brother’s pain,

or laugh at his sister’s mirth?

Our lives are forever twined;
We laugh & cry for each other,

bound together

on this spinning ball we call Earth
#

1.14

(Chant at end of each section)

Plaudite amici,

comedia initiatare

Clap your hands my good friends,

the comedy has now begun.
###

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  1. GLORIA ET AMICI – Gloria and Friends

2.1 Musical introduction

2.2 Mundus Ineptus    (Song for tenor and strings)

Oh what a foolish world Alan created,

Oh what a foolish god  Alan must be,

So often in error, so seldom elated,

And great wealth is neighbor to bleak poverty.

Beauty and bilge, black sheep and beasts

Snuggle together through famine and feasts. Why did he do it?

He must have been stoned, Six days he labored.

He should have first phoned.

Oh what a screwed up world Alan created Oh what a foolish god Alan must be
So often in error  so seldom elated,
While gross wealth looks down
upon bleak poverty.

Flounders and whales, ants, cats and frogs

Make out together through sunshine and fogs, Why did he do it, what was our offense?

To live in a world which doesn’t make sense?
Oh what a silly world Alan created,
Ah what a foolish god Alan must be.

#

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2.3    (B. Spoken)

AND  THE LORD SAID TO  MOE AND EARON
Tell the kids of Izzreal, this is the law:

They are to bring to the holy priests a red cow, unblemished, who has never felt the yoke. This red cow will be burnt before your eyes: Its flesh, its blood and its dung.

This is my law!

Tell that to the kids of Izzreal. Amen.
#

2.4    PRAISE ALAN

(T. Spoken)

Praise Alan, the wisest lord of the universe, The kind and merciful judge of Zoomsday. You alone do we worship,

to thee alone do we pray. Guide us on the straight
and narrow path of life,

The way of those who know your goodness:

Deflect us from the path of those who anger you and go astray in the ways of wickedness…… Amen

#

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2.5    Life and Death of the Brown Dog (Song)

The brown dog tried to cross Sixth Street On his little padded feet,

A Ford  hit him – squashed him flat! So for that dog, that was that.

He’ll never cross Sixth Street again, He’ll cross no streets at all,

He’ll gnaw no more on chicken bones Nor  pee against  the wall.

(Ch.)  Bow-wow, bow-wow, bow-wow, wow, wow. (2x)

He’ll no more wag his curly tail,

He’s finished with life’s farce.

He’ll no more at the mailman rail. Nor sniff a puppy’s arse.

(Ch.)  Bow-wow, bow-wow, bow-wow, wow, wow (2x)

The brown dog tried to cross Sixth Street On his little padded feet,

A Ford hit him – squashed him flat,
So for that brown dog, that was that.

(Coda)   This is the brown dog’s round,
But the mutt’s no more around;
Let us hope he’s found

A happier scratching ground.

(Ch.)

Bow-wow, bow-wow, bow-wow, wow, wow. (2x)

#

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2.6    GLORIA JUBILATOM  (Chant)                     (Needs music)

Rejoice turtles, rejoice

Gloria, Gloria, Gloria! Rejoice!
Sing out loud in fulsome voice:

Hit it Gloria, this song’s for you:                                                          A lily, a buttered bagel,

a round-head screw,

A summer sky tinted pink and blue,

Sweet Gloria, Gloria, Gloria,

Raise your voice and raise your shoe,

Raise your hopes- but not as high

as a watermelon in the sky-

You have the choice: rejoice or cry,

Live and love it up while you still can fly.                                Pourquoi pas? Sing and fly.

Who knows when the bums will hit the fan?
Or your world will roast like a red-hot?
So hit it Gloria, open up and sing;
Sweet Gloria,  Gloria,  Gloria!
Give it your all, Go give it all you’ve got.
Yeah!

#

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2.7    MORITURI  TE SALUTAMUS

-Those Who Are about to Die Salute You

Give a Nickel and Bow Your Head.

(the chorus sings last lines of each verse)

(S.)    (T.)

Dead are the dead…    when they are dead,

Dead forever       from toe-sies to head,

Dead as headless ducks         that have been bled,

So give a nickel  and bow your head.

(Ch.)  Give a nickel     and bow your head. (2x)

Some of them died with dirty noses         upon a lumpy bed,

Some were lonely and single         some were lonely and wed.

Who cares? We’ve stuff to do who remembers what they said?

So give a nickel  and bow your head.

(Ch.)  Give a nickel     and bow your head. (2x)

Now most have gone   to heaven or hell,

Or into the earth where their skins will smell.

Give thanks, for at least        one less mouth’s to be fed.

So give a nickel  and bow your head.

(Ch.)  Give a nickel     and bow your head. (2x)

Give a nickel and bow your head
#

PLACE YOUR ALIVE-AND-WELL DONATION-
IN THE WOODEN BOX.

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#2.8  AWAKE BESOTTED FINN

(Bass and Alto alternating )

(B.) In the name of the former and of the later And  the holy toast, All men, ah men

Chorus:
Ecce homo vulgaria – Here’s a men

Ecce homo hungry, alone and uncertain, Ecce homo recently descended
from primordial slime

Ecce homo with smelly armpits, acne, and clogged colon.
Amen, all men.

List to the tale of the ont and the gracehopper:

The gracehopper was always jogging a jog, happy
On akkant of  his joyicity; he was a city-park boy.
The ont drank dank tea and lived in provity…
Graucscious mea and scarb my sahul!
What a bagateller it is-

(Alto.)Libelulous.  Inzanzarity … Pou pischa Amen, Your genus is worldwide,

your spacesuit’s sublime,

But holey salt cracker why can’t you keep time?

(B.)In the name of the farmer and the looter
and the almighty boast,

In the name of  the firmer and the hooter
and the overdone toast,

In the name of the filmer and the filmee
and the multi-image ghost,

(Chous)In the name of the angels, the devils from hell,
and the thanksgiving roast,

Amen,  ah men, ah women,  amen a men!

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2.9    A MIGHTY WONDER IS OUR GOD

(Choral in a Bachian mode)

A mighty wonder is our god,

Creator of this worldly thing,

Our prime and glorious lightning rod
Who made life here so unsettling.

O god of taxes, and god of death,

What can we do to please you?

From wise men comes this holey truth
Life is a cheese!  what else is new?

Decay, our ancient fearsome foe
Kicks our arse in unfair fight,
O god who made this wobbly world
Grant us a somewhat steadier light.
#

2.10  (Chant) Plaudite, amici comedia amblia son

Applaud my friends, applaud as, our lives amble on

####

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III.   MARIA UM BAMBINOS

(Orchestral introduction)

3.1   MARY DEAR, DON’T WORRY YOUR HEAD
(T.)  Early in the Afternoon – Song

Oh sweet Mary, don’t worry your head, Mary dear, don’t worry your head,
Do not fret your pretty little head,
Early in the afternoon.

(Ch.) Early in the afternoon (3X)

A lot can happen in the afternoon.

Soon enough we’ll both be dead,

If they drop atom bombs we’ll be quick dead, In ninety years we’ll sure be dead,
Early in the afternoon.

(Ch.)

So take off your shoes and hop into bed, It’s warm and cozy in my bed,
Take ‘em off and hop into bed,
Early in the afternoon.

(Ch.)

Oh Mary dear, don’t worry your head, Soon enough we’ll all be dead,
So take off your shoes and hop into bed, Early in the afternoon.

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(Ch.)

(Coda)     Come next Burbdsday we’ll be wed, (3x Chorus)
Early in the afternoon.

#

3.2A     But the comforter which is the Holy Ghost, whom the
Father has sent in my name, he shall teach you all things,
and bring things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said
unto you…

#

3.2B   MARY CONCEIVED IN B FLAT       (Song, alto)

Sweet Mary conceived without sin, oh yeah, Sweet Mary conceived without sin.
Sweet Mary conceived without sin, oh yeah Sweet Mary conceived without sin.
However did she do it?

Without any pleasure to it?
And Joseph did not rue it?

When Mary conceived without sin, oh yeah,
When Mary conceived without sin.  ( 2x)

Sweet Mary conceived without sin, amen, Sweet  Mary conceived without sin.
Sweet Mary conceived without sin, amen, Sweet Mary conceived without sin.
The moon shone bright on Gallilee
The night the Holy Ghost made free
Underneath the olive tree,

When Mary conceived without sin, amen,
When Mary conceived without sin. (2x)

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Sweet Mary conceived without sin, my, my, Sweet Mary conceived without sin.
Sweet Mary conceived without sin, my, my, Sweet Mary conceived without sin.
The Holy Ghost was smooth and thin,
Had a black beard on his chin,

He sang sweet love songs with a grin,
When Mary conceived without sin, oh my,
When Mary conceived without sin. (2x)

#

AND SO IT CAME TO PASS…

3.3    A CHILD IS BORN    (Chorale after J.S. Bach)

A child is born so sweet and free,
Al-le-lu-ia,

He suckles tits and makes wee-wee.
Al-le-lu-ia,  Al-le-lu-ia

Chance determined where he’s from,
Al-le-lu-ia,

Let’s hope he won’t turn out a bum.
Al-le-lu-ia, Al-le-lu-ia

Our feeble flesh is rife with sin,
Al-le-lu-ia,

We all are fools beneath the skin.
Al-le-lu-ia, Al-le-lu-ia

Come all of you  this natal day,
Al-le-lu-ia,

Rejoice, give thanks, drink gin, and play.
Al-le-lu-ia, Al-le-lu-ia

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Chorus:   This child is born so sweet and free
bathed in peace and harmony.

#

3.4 AGNUS DEI QUI TOLLIS PECATTA MUNDI
(Baritone and soprano counterpoint)

(B.)  Lamb of God come dance with me
(S.)  Dance away the sins of the world,
(B.) Holy Ghost let’s dance and spin,
(S.)  Pity me sweet lamb-a-kin.
(B.)  Calm our fears and drop them off:
(S.)  Slot them down the old worm hole
(B. & S.) Grant us peace, and make us whole,
(B. & S.) Grant us peace, and make us whole.
#

3.5    TEMPUS FUGIT   (Song)

(Soprano aria with hollow fifths)

Sigh, sigh passerby

Sad and foolish passerby.

Try once more – there’s the sky, Try to grab the purple sky.

Why, why like a May fly

We live a day then forever lie?

Sigh, sigh passerby

Brush the sand from your eye
Sad and foolish passerby.
#

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3.6  FOR I WILL CONSIDER MY CAT (Tenor)

For I will consider my cat, Spunky.

For she is a watcher of the Living God,
daily observing him.

For at the first sign of God’s glory in the east, she comes to my bed and purrs in my ear,
And she wreathes her body over my chest
with elegant grace,

For she knows that God is her savior and

through me gives her sustenance. And God has blessed her in her elegant grace

 And nothing pleases her more than

the peace of her sleep.

I am possessed of a cat of

amazing grace and beauty From whom we may infer
the blessing of the almighty.

#

3.7    SAILOR ON THE BEACH  (Song, tenor, strings, horns)

Sad when the horns blow,

the foghorns in the bay,

I wish I were a-sailing, far, far away.

Now I work on the beach, in a little cage                                         From nine to five-

Dreaming, dreaming, just half alive
Dreaming, dreaming, just half alive.

When I was a young man I sailed on foreign seas,

 In ports of call, I danced, I sang,

and I said what I pleased.

Now I work ashore filling out forms, From nine to five-

Dreaming, dreaming, just half alive,
Dreaming, dreaming, just half alive.

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With frisky men and women

I played away each dawn.                                                                    Laughing, drunk or crying
I was nobody’s pawn…

Now other young men sail while here I sit
from nine to five

Dreaming, dreaming, just half alive,
Dreaming, dreaming, just half alive.

Blow, damn you, foghorns,

the boss can go and drown!

I’ll dream of my sea life before settling down
to work on the beach in this little cage,                                            From nine to five-

Dreaming, dreaming just half alive,
Dreaming, dreaming just half alive.

#

3.8    In Paradise Land (Chorus-  S. African melody)

In paradise land where all the dead are living, (3x)

May we meet our friends there in Paradise Land.

But while we’re living, let’s work and fight together, (3x)

To make this world a better place, Let’s work and fight together.

In paradise land where all the dead are living, (3x)

May we meet our friends there in Paradise Land.

But while we’re living, let’s work and fight together, (3x)

To make this world a better place, Let’s work and fight together.

#

3.9

          Plaudite Amici, know you all:

The commode is halfway down the hall
###

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